//lessons learned from the bachelor??//

Well, happy new year friends and family! It’s been a long couple of weeks/months. After my last post, I realized I need to take some time and just chill out. I can’t tell you how many times I had something written and then trashed it. Here’s to a new year, one that will be less chaotic (praise Jesus) and leading to the goal line… I graduate in May, but this is not what that is about. Let’s get down to business… If I’ve learned anything from reality television, it’s that there are real people inside these characters being shoved in our faces. It makes me think who would I be primped as? Would I be the good girl from Oklahoma who is solid and confident (yeah, I feel like this sometimes) or would I be the dumb blonde who is clumsy and even though she’s smart, she can come off kinda dumb (yep. This happens too)?? If I’ve learned anything from any reality TV show, I’ve learned the most from … you guessed it… The Bachelor.

Now, I do not speak as an expert and these opinions are my own, so take them or leave them. Let’s begin… Here are a few thoughts and lessons from Monday, January 10th’s episode.

Ben Higgins is The Bachelor

Ben Higgins is The Bachelor

I don’t pretend to have my life together. I have a life that looks really put together for sure but in reality, I’m 29, I’m trying to finish grad school with a 4.0 and I’m a GA and that alone is enough to drive me bonkers and quit caring about how my house looks. I’ve tried to be the girl every guy would want and you know where that landed me? In my sweats, on my couch with a glass (ok, maybe a bottle) of wine watching NBA games ALONE. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because guys aren’t looking for the girl a girl may think they want, but maybe they’re looking for that girl. You know, that girl. She’s confident, her hair is always flowing and never gets stuck in her lipgloss, her makeup is on POINT, her outfits are cool and the shoes always look great AND she doesn’t look down at people. She looks them straight in the face, admits her faults and laughs at herself! ((God, this girl sounds awesome…it’s not me…yet)). When I watch The Bachelor, I get mixed feelings. I get the analytical feelings that judge how the guy looks at every girl when she gets out of the limo. I get the nervous feelings when I see the girls loosing their edge. And then I get the self-righteous feelings, the ones where I want to insert claps in between words to emphasize my point because these girls start playing the mind game because they’re not longer that girl. 

The first week I watched The Bachelor in the company of my friends whom I call the Lunch Ladies. They gave themselves that moniker and I love it and secretly wish I was in the cool club. ((I’m second string and hoping to be initiated…)). We talked and laughed as we watched the night unfold. I was too busy thinking about someone else to really focus on the girls, but then I get to tonight. I feel like Bachelor Nation set this up perfectly for multiple lessons to be learned so here goes:

  1. Bachelor High. Wow. Kudos to you Bachelor Nation. You did it. Send the prettiest girls back to high school and make them compete. Do you know what high school was like for most of us? NOT FUN. There was no homecoming king waiting for me in high school. In fact, I had rumors swirling about me, saying I was “easy” (I was not… Actually, the guys were all my friends because they didn’t want to mess anything up for Sooner football games with my dad on the weekends), or that I was “a goody-goody who secretly wanted to be one of the popular kids”. I worked hard in high school. I actually transferred schools at the end of the freshman year to go to a very difficult, Christian, college-prep school. The thing was, all of the kids in my grade had been together since kindergarten. You try walking into that territory and try to fit in. I had to constantly compete for friendships. I had to get out of my comfort zone and talk to people and try to tell stories that were compelling and made me seem cool. I hated high school. When I graduated I didn’t look back. I moved forward. Watching the girls compete against each other tonight just brought back memories of pairing off with the cool girls and hoping they wouldn’t notice my Payless shoes with my consignment skirt and off brand Ralph Lauren oxford. If The Bachelor wanted to show how girls really were in high school, they did a good job, even till the end, where Mandy (the crazy dentist) had to race the girl who was on her team! That’s messed up…and so high school.
  2. Cheap dates. I loved this idea. Sometimes the most fun date can be cheap and just driving around talking. Sure, I love being shown that I’m appreciated by flowers and chocolates and a nice dinner, but what I enjoy more is simplicity. I love being in jeans and a hoodie, hair a mess, no makeup and just being with the person. You don’t even have to talk to me… just sit next to me and watch a movie, or basketball game or whatever and that’s it. Girls, maybe The Bachelor was showing us that we don’t have to be so concerned with the glitz to have a good time. I mean, Caila’s night did end listening to a personal concert with Amos Lee (the way to my heart would be Johnnyswim, but whatever), but after all the fun and cheap stuff, the memories you walk away with are the most important. Give me cheap dates any time!
  3. LoveLab and smell tests. First of all, if you’re taking me to a freaking love lab where I get hooked up to these machines that “show me how compatible we are” you’re outta your mind! You put it out there that there’s some formula to see if we’re going to end up together is asking for trouble! Which is what happened to my girl Sam. You freaking announce to the whole crew she got a 2 point whatever score and say “it’s the lowest compatibility rating…” and then have a stone cold fox like Olivia who is put together and seemingly perfect and SHE KNOWS IT hear that… it’s over. Love Labs sounds great, but this is not reality. This is a fallacy disguised as something special and powerful. And can we talk about the “power of smell”?? I do not want some dude smelling me after I’ve been walking around outside and trying to pretend I’m glistening when I’m really sweating because let’s face it, I step outside and it always looks like I just got out of a swimming pool. I’m not a pretty sweater. I do not glisten. I sweat like a boy! I would’ve died if a cute guy like Ben was sniffing my neck or hips… HIPS?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Dude, if you want to smell me, please smell me when I am freshly showered and my hair has been fixed and I have product in it. GIRLS… THIS IS NOT REALITY. The way you smell is going to tell a guy if you’re made for each other? No. What about communication? What about honesty? What about snorting when you laugh or almost spitting your food out because you want to answer a question he just asked? ((Those last 2 have happened to me… I know, I showed my cards way too early)). Smell tests and algorithms will only get you so far. Give me honesty and conversation any day.
  4. “I know I’m coming off like the crazy girl… The Crazy Lace came out…” Ladies, whenever you say the word crazy describing yourself, you are giving others the permission to use that word to describe you. Lace… Oh, Lace… Girlfriend. You have just made it ok for the entire Bachelor Nation to call you crazy. Crazy is a word that the connotations are usually attributed to someone who is not mentally stable. I want to believe that Lace is fully mentally aware. Every time she uses “crazy” describing herself, a part of me wants to find her and tell her “LACE. SNAP OUT OF IT. GET SOME WATER AND KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. CALM THE HELL DOWN!” Girls, if a guy isn’t making eye contact with you, or isn’t talking to you as much doesn’t mean he’s not interested. It could mean a million different things, but it doesn’t give you permission to use the “crazy” girl card and get his attention that way. Ladies we have to get past this “if I do this, he’ll answer me” or “if I look like this, he’ll definitely text me back”. That’s manipulation. If you want to win your man by manipulating him, great. It’s not going to last long. If you desire a long, lasting relationship built on truth and honesty, then put the damn work in. If a guy doesn’t like the honest version of yourself, the true you, then LET HIM GO. He’s not worth it. If a guy makes you feel less than the woman you are, WALK AWAY. DELETE HIS NUMBER AND MOVE ON. I would rather be single and confident and aware of what I am looking for in someone than to be manipulating a guy into going on dates with me. We have to stop manipulating people and start being real.
  5. “This…I thought this was going to be something, but this is really hard”. Sam. Like I said, Sam is my girl. She gets it. For once, The Bachelor showed a true and vulnerable response to rejection at a rose ceremony. Through tears, Sam looked at the camera and said “this just… this is just really hard”. I want to believe that she was meaning that for more than just that moment. I want to believe she was speaking to the entire experience of being single. Girls, I know about being single. I know what it feels like to go out with seemingly great guys who later call you intimidating and then blame you for not talking to them anymore, when they were the ones who never made an effort to reach out to you. I know what it feels like to be on a date and see another girl pop up on his phone and him completely stop talking to you to answer her. I know what it feels like to have a match.com profile and only hear from men who are OVER 50 and say horrible things I would never repeat out loud. I know what it feels like to have a guy you think means something to you and have him look you in the face and say “yeah, this was fun, but we should just go back to being friends. Oh, and there’s someone else. So thanks for being there for me while I figured this out”. Yeah, and that happened twice. TWICE. I’ve had my heart broken in a million pieces and have had to scrape the pieces into a pile and try to figure out how to move forward. I want to believe Sam was speaking to that part of a girl’s world where the guys are not always princes and the girls you’re surrounded by are actually wolves in sheep’s clothing. Being single sucks sometimes, but sometimes, being single is the absolute best thing you can experience. It’s a contradiction-it’s something you want so badly to change, but you don’t want it to change because you love your life with your girls. It’s wanting the kisses and connection but also knowing ‘ehhh, if I never talked to him again, I’d be ok’. It’s the wanting so badly to love someone and be loved back but loving having a career and life more. Sam is right! Life is hard… but it’s what we make it. Sure, you can cry and kick and scream, but in the end, girlfriend, you were on TV! You were cute and fun and so sweet and YOU WERE NORMAL… Sam didn’t try to do anything different than be herself and I salute her for that. But, she’s right. It’s so hard to not succumb to the world’s view of “if you’re not what he’s looking for, just change… morph into that woman he wants and you’re good!”. What we can takeaway from Sam’s words… Life isn’t always going to be rosy and fun, it’ll probably suck more than we want it to, but on the other side of those suckfest moments is something worth your time… Stick it out. Eventually, the hard part of being single will turn into the hard part of not being single because you like the guy so much ((and ps-he likes you too)).

The Bachelor is a seemingly useless show where 28 women get in one room and basically go hunger games on each other and one ends up the champ… Can I just say, I’m so glad I’m not on The Bachelor? I would be the girl who would be all “can I go change? Can I wear sweatpants to the cocktail party? Can I read a book instead of listen to these dummies talk about how he’s their husband?” Honestly, I’ll take the ridiculous dating scene over a TV show any day. 🙂

~Linds

//Reading/Watching/Listening to…Bleacher Report!?//

I know it’s no surprise to you that I am a girl. I am and I love fashion and shopping and spending time with my gal pals in sweats and eating cupcakes and watching rom-coms just like any other girl. But inside this girl lies a very big part of my heart that beats for one thing…SPORTS.

Obviously, next to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and after my family, Sports takes the 3rd spot. I don’t pretend to be an expert because I am not. I am a huge fan of athletics and I have my father to blame. He was blessed with 3 daughters and it’s because of him that my sisters and I absolutely love to watch and play any sport. He and my uncle Steve taught us how to throw a football and put up the perfect layup. My dad ran drills with me late at night just to make sure I felt good before a big game. He taught me how to hold a bat and taught me how to wait for the perfect pitch in softball. He ran bases with me when I was in elementary school. He ran alongside my bike when I was nervous and before we knew helmets were an absolute necessity. I owe a lot to my precious parents but memories like being a sports girl definitely goes to my dad. Mom understands. 😉

So you have to be living under a rock to not know what yesterday was: Trade Deadline day for the NBA. Yes, next to NCAA Football, I’m a huge NBA basketball fan. I am obsessed with Oklahoma’s own Thunder. I love the Golden State Warriors because Steph Curry is a machine of athleticism and it’s a beautiful thing to watch. I am still a bit embittered toward James “Fear the Beard” Harden for his departure from the Thunder but I still wear my Fear the Beard shirt that bears his face. I now have more apps on my phone to keep up with all things NBA than I do for taking pictures and social media. It’s ridiculous! My sister even said this year “Linds, I didn’t even know you were a Thunder fan…” to which I replied, “that’s rude that you didn’t pay attention to me when I talked about the Thunder and yes, I’ve always been a fan, but may be more quiet because I didn’t think anyone would care about my thoughts.” Well, get ready blog-o-sphere. I’m telling you all my thoughts…

1. Apps you need. Yes, there are certain apps you MUST HAVE if you plan on being any sort of NBA fan. If you’re a real fan, you know it’s important to keep up with your team in and out of season. My favorite go-tos: Bleacher Report, NBA (duh!), Thunder (yes, they have their own app), ESPN, ESPN Live, Fox Sports, FXGO, and of course Watch TNT. These aren’t all sports related as you can tell, but the options they have for live streaming is great. I am currently living on my own and paying my own bills (like I have for the last 2 years), but that means being a bit frugal when it comes to TV. I would rather have great internet than channels I won’t be watching so that’s where the apps come in. I watch games on my phone while studying and writing papers. All these apps can set alerts for your teams and keep you up to date. If you’re like me, that’s fun!

2. Oh Thunder. Get your stuff together. So, the Thunder have been through it. It seems we’ve seen more and more players dealing with injuries and some random injuries too! Who knew you could sprain your toe? I just think of bones breaking. Sure, I’ve sprained my ankle, but my toe? Seriously? With Adams still out with a broken hand, that leaves a hole on the floor. I know my “sports wise bros” have opinions and I’m sure they probably will never see my writing on this (we’ll get to that later), but Adams has made himself a contender for a Thunder Title winning team. He’s huge and can rebound like nobody’s business. He connects with the other players and does his job. Him being gone sucks right now and it leads me to the loss of one of the Davis house’s favorite players, Kendrick Perkins. This guy is a beast. If looks could kill, he’d have killed several by now. He is a big body player who takes up a bunch of space on the court and he’s done well getting points on the board in crucial moments. He seems to be the kind of guy who can make the plays when you really need him to come through. And now, he will no longer be donning a Thunder uniform. It’s sad really. He has become a vital member to the Thunder team and now Utah wins him. (Knowing he’s going to the Jazz reminds me of the Karl Malone years at the Jazz. Anyone remember when Malone dunked the ball and ripped his hand open from the rim? No? Just me? Y’all are much, much younger than me then…) But who knows if he’ll even end up at the Jazz… last I saw, the Mavs, Cavaliers and was it the Heat were tossing their names in the ring to get Perk on their roster. That’s huge. Good luck Perk. You’ll be missed.

But… Back to the Thunder.

They have a shot. They have go to get their sh…stuff together, if you know what I mean. We have to see a healthy Durant on the court. We need to see a Westbrook that not only can dunk, but one that can make those 3’s from no man’s land. Nick Collison. Serge Ibaka. DION FREAKIN WAITERS… We have so many awesome greats on the floor and the bench but we gotta see them show up when it counts.

3. The Newcomers. Of course, I was sad yesterday morning when I saw Perk’s name tossed in the trade rumor mill, but what we’re getting shows the wisdom and planning of Sam Presti, that glasses wearing genius. OKC is getting 4 players: DJ Augustin, Kyle Singler, Enes Kanter and Steve Novak. Augustin is a former longhorn (God love him. I don’t expect him to wear Crimson, but if I see him wearing that god awful burnt orange of Texas, I may say something) who will be reunited with his bro, Kevin Durant. Augustin averages 10.6 puts per game, while Singler averages 7.1. I’m sure those numbers will improve. Now, Enes Kanter seems to be a big hopeful for the Thunder. He’s 22, 6’11 and averages 13.8 points and 7.8 rebounds per game. I like those numbers Kanter. I don’t know much about Novak, but I’m sure he’ll be a welcome addition to the Thunder. The Thunder has been desiring a title win for some time now. They’ve come close for the last 2 years and then this year happened. KD and Westbrook have had their ups and downs with injuries and now with Adams and his hand… WE NEED A HEALTHY TEAM. COME ON GUYS. PULL IT TOGETHER. What I’m thinking Presti has done is attain some talented guys to maybe sway our boy KD to stay with OKC. KD is going to be a free agent in 2016 and he’s looking. You know he is. He’s looking to big names like the Lakers, Knicks and so on. Can those teams do what Presti has done and bring in some talent to develop a title winning team? My guess is no. Presti is a genius in this regard. He is putting up some big money for the Thunder to attain a HUGE win. I gotta give the man props for trying. I don’t want to see KD leave at all. I know we’re in the middle of the US and some people think Oklahoma is lame, but if you know Oklahoma like I do, you know we have some of the most loyal men, women and children when it comes to the game. KD, don’t do it. Stay and see this team rise to the occasion. Am I right?

4. Women in the NBA. “Ummm, Linds. NBA is for MEN. I think you’re thinking of the WNBA”. Ok, hold on loser. Before you jump all over me and tell me I’m so stupid, hear me out. I’m currently in a grad class called Current Problems. This class has a focus on the pitfalls of society and discrimination among the sexes. I had the opportunity to do a presentation on the NBA. It was written by what I can only assume is an embittered woman who has been hurt by an NBA player or wished she had been. Whether a real relationship or one of the parasocial realm, this woman wrote a chapter dedicated to the discrimination of women in the NBA. I am one of those girls who likes seeing a female on the sidelines. I love seeing women like Jessica Coody from the Sooner Sports Network on the sidelines with our coaches and boys from the OU Football team. Jess knows her sports. She asks the right questions. She gets these “quiet” guys talking. When you put a girl out on the sidelines who is just a pretty face and doesn’t really know what’s going on, I get mad. Why? Because you’re making sports girls like me look like we’re idiots. This presentation helped open my eyes to the pioneers of the NBA. Becky Hammond is now an assistant coach for the Spurs. She’s the only female on coaching staffs of the NBA right now. Michele Roberts was voted as the executive director of the NBA players union after spending years as a partner of her own law firm. Violet Palmer-you all may know her as the only female referee on the courts during NBA games, but she was the first female officiant hired in 1997. These are women who are defying all odds against them and killing their game. This is AMAZING! Ladies, we have pioneers in a male dominate league showing us the ropes. They are opening doors for us where we otherwise would be sitting on the sidelines, cheering our favorite players on. For me, I would love to be a contributor on some NBA site or OU Football site. I would love to toss my opinions in the ring and get some conversations started. Why? because I’m more than blonde hair, green eyes and a 5’5 frame that can wear the hell out of some booties and skinny jeans. I’m an athlete and lover of the game and just like my male counterparts, my voice deserves to be heard. If the only reason I’m in Grad School is to hear my own voice and develop my thoughts and beliefs more, then so be it. I’m right where I’m supposed to be and learning so much! I’m learning how to defend my beliefs. I’m learning how to listen to others and ask the right questions. If my goal in life is to help people, then I have to be a listener first and foremost. I have to ask questions that lead to answers. All this to say, there are more women developing their craft so that they can be added to organizations dominated by men like the NBA. ((Hey NBA, I’m coming for you. I’ve got more in me…LOOK OUT))

I know this was MAJORLY long, but one of my obsessions is the NBA. I love it. I love the athleticism. I love the players and their ridiculous handshakes (looking at you Adams and Collison… Can I join in on that hand shake game?). I love the camaraderie of the fan base. I love seeing babies dressed in Thunder gear! This is something fantastic to be apart of, and if you’re not in, don’t get left behind. Join in!

Hope you enjoyed this… More “feminism in sports” posts to come… 😉

Linds

Why Lena Dunham and I should be friends…

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Well, it’s a new year, which means NEW BOOKS! Or rather, I’m able to read the books I own that have been sitting on my desk or on my book shelf. But if I’m being completely honest with you, I have had no book shelf for the last 2 months and it’s nearly broken my heart. I’ve hit the low point where I walk in a Barnes and Noble and simply hug a book shelf. You know it’s bad. And slightly embarrassing.

My first book of the new year was Not That Kind of Girl by Lena Dunham. Now, I should be upfront in saying, I didn’t know what to think about Lena. Everything I had seen of her made her look crazy and made me think she was absolutely insane. I mean, what girl in their right mind would be naked as much as her character Hannah on Girls? WHO WOULD DO THAT?! Yeah, NOT ME.

But, after binge watching Girls in … I don’t know… a week, I found the beauty that is Lena. Lena Dunham is a voice for women and girls everywhere and not just because she’s so comfortable with her femininity and sexuality, but because she embraces who she is and makes no excuses for it. Do I think we all should follow suit and get “naked” and celebrate being women? Not even close. But I do think we should get to a place where as women, we are comfortable with who we are, what we believe and use our voice for good. Lena shares all that and more in her book.

Reasons I loved Not That Kind of Girl: 

1. Lena doesn’t care. She doesn’t. She doesn’t care who you are or what you think. She knows who she is and doesn’t make excuses for it. She loves who she is, embraces the flaws and tries very hard to understand who you are and what makes you tick. That is something every girl could take note of.

2. The importance of female relationships. I wrote awhile back about my top 5 women that I looked up to respected. As a woman myself, I have noticed there isn’t a lot of female camaraderie online. There’s a lot of back biting (which, I have participated in when I am live tweeting the Bachelor) and gossip, but there’s not a lot of encouragement. Lena talks about her friendships with her “girls” as the most important ones in her life. She shares that through disagreements, they challenged each other and grew. Maybe they but heads, but afterwards, there was always a moment of acknowledgment and celebration over coffee. That is hard to see. If someone disagrees with me, I want to talk it out! I want to know why you feel that way and why you feel it’s important for me to feel the same way you do. Not Lena. She and her friends respected each other’s thoughts and they discussed things and moved on. Impressive, no?

3. Sex. “Oh man, Lindsay said the ‘S’ word!” I did. Here’s the deal: while I may not be like Lena and sleep with people on a regular basis, sex is something most girls don’t know a whole lot about. Why? Because we’ve been taught it’s embarrassing. It’s not something you willingly talk about over coffee at Starbucks with your hipster friends. It’s not something you talk about at home, because your mom might say “shhhhh, not right now. We’ll talk later”. But Lena begins the reader’s journey with the most vulnerable journey she has ever been on: sex. She describes encounters that are not Hollywood in description; they are real and raw and uncomfortable. You feel like your watching your best friend make mistakes and have to live with them. It’s incredibly raw and yet she makes it seem like a journey of self discovery. Now, I am not saying “Go out my dear little sisters, and have sex and figure out what you want!” No no no! I would actually prefer you wait as long as possible and when you do make the decision to have sex with someone, let it be someone you love and preferably who you’re married to. There’s something special about sex and there’s a reason it’s meant for a deep relationship like marriage. Lena even describes an experience she didn’t even realize was rape. It’s heartbreaking but hearing her come out on the other side triumphant and unwillingly to let what happened to her define her trumps everything else. Moral of the story: don’t have sex. You will get chlamydia… and die. NAME THAT MOVIE AND YOU’LL GET A SHOUTOUT FROM ME. 🙂

4. Parental advice. Lena is a hilarious person. She shares her Top 10-15 things from her mom, dad and herself. Some of the things that stuck out to me were: “If someone doesn’t answer your email within 6 hours, it means they hate you”. or “keep your friends close. Buy your enemies something cool”. You can’t help but laugh at these! Why? Because I can probably hear my own parents saying some of the same things! Actually, I’m sure I’ve heard my parents say some of the same things and that’s what makes me love Lena and the Dunham’s even more.

5. It’s not easy being yourself, but if you won’t be you, who will? This is pure truth. You can try to morph into other versions of your friends, but the honest to God truth is, we NEED YOU, just the way you are in everyday life. It’s painful being who you really are sometimes. I speak from experience. I have anxiety problems and while I’ve managed to keep it under wraps, I’m pretty sure only a select few outside of my family have seen me absolutely meltdown. I wake up with an elephant on my chest and sometimes the elephant wins y’all and those moments suck. I become the pathetic version of myself. I become that girl who just cries and can’t breathe and just needs a tight space to sit in for awhile. The things that brought my anxiety up to the forefront came in many different forms, but only when I let it out I was having problems sleeping did someone help me. Anxiety ridden Lindsay is not who I really am. Merely a part right now. Not forever (please dear God), but for right now. It’s not fun snapping. It’s not fun feeling like I need to run away to a very quiet hole and hide. But its part of who I am right now. Anxiety and all, the world needs Lindsay, the real Lindsay, the one who even in painful situations can smile, breathe and ask you how you’re doing. The real Lindsay who is a listener first and then speaker second. The real Lindsay who because she’s been so helped by others, wants to reach out and help those who need it. The world needs you, whether painfully broken open or sealed up tight. The world needs your spark and vim and vigor. The world needs your gumption and that can only come from being who you really are. So don’t get nervous about what others think… Just show up. Breathe. And face forward… the things that happened behind you are behind you for a reason… let them stay there. Look ahead. Only greatness lies ahead. 🙂

My overall thought: Just read it. It’s worth it. Lena is among America’s treasures and you’ll want to know her before everyone else does. 🙂

Linds

scribbles…

I read a tweet the other day from my favorite author Anne Lamott (@ANNELAMOTT). She was giving what seemed like writing advice.

“Writing 101: Leap up! Find notebook. Scribble. Wow. You don’t write to be remembered.
You won’t be. I won’t be. You write because it’s on your heart.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pondered the idea of writing something monumental, something earth-shattering that will inevitably leave a mark on my generation. The chances of that happening? Well, I’m not saying it can’t happen, but I’m a realist in this way. The chances of someone stumbling upon my blog is pretty slim to none. But, I will continue to hold onto to hope that it will happen. 🙂

Everyday life happens. You experience things you didn’t face yesterday or maybe the day before that. You face things new and bold and ready for whatever may come. Today, when I woke up, I did not expect to be voiceless and puffy-eyed yet again. I didn’t expect that. Actually, I don’t have time for that. I work all the time. I work hard because that’s in my blood. I don’t want to just let life happen. I want my life to count! I want it to mean something to someone. Right along with my wonderful, favorite author’s words comes another thought… from one boy I met in a book. He was the finest, most dreamy boy I’d ever met in a book (other than Tobias Eaton/Four from Divergent…). I am of course talking about John Green’s The Fault in Our Stars dream boat Augustus Waters. I read the book and sobbed through it. That’s besides the point. The point I’m making is Green wrote a human that I identify with because I am who I am. I identified with his drive, his thought processes, and all his desires to make his life count. Gus strives to leave a mark and impact on the people around him. He gets so focused on that that he loses sight of those directly connected to him that he has left a mark on. He got so busy living that he forgot to see the connections right in front of him.

I had a minor break in my “armor” if you will last week. I’ve graduated. I’ve finished the longest journey I’ve ever been on and felt like “Ok. Now that this is done, LET’S MOVE ON!” I thought for sure after graduation all the pieces of the puzzle that are still missing would somehow show up and find their place into the mix of pieces that kind of make up my life. That, my friends, has not happened. Nope. Not. At. All. I work will all dudes in my office. All men. Which means, there’s not a lot of room for emotions and tears and silent treatments. It’s all “Yo bro. You mad?” or “Hey, you know I’m kidding…” There’s no room for tears or “I feel…” statements! You confront and move on. Well, like Augustus Waters, I have high expectations for my life. I expect to live an extraordinary life that will change people. I expect that God is going to use me in a way I can’t understand. I expect to see all my dreams (a boyfriend, marriage, children, little league games, etc) COME TRUE dang it! I don’t think that’s a bad thing. It becomes a bad thing when you’re living for the future and not even seeing what’s happening right in front of you. I’ve been so disappointed in what I’m not seeing that I didn’t even notice the people and friends I’m impacting right in front of me. Just because I can’t see Him at work doesn’t mean He’s not working. And, also from The Fault in Our Stars, pain deserves to be felt. Life is painful. Growth is painful. But it’s usually out of that pain, God works in His great, mysterious ways and there’s something good left behind. That’s outstanding news. Don’t let the pain or anger or hurt keep you from seeing the good God is working! It’s ok to have high expectations of life. In fact, I think that’s incredible. You should look at your life and expect things to happen. But don’t let minor hiccups and painful “moments” keep you from enjoying the journey.