Once upon time, there was a girl. She was a pretty girl who was busy and never remembered any passwords and then when she did remember her passwords, she would land in “locked out of your profile” jail. After many months of attempts and many scribbled out notes on notebook paper, receipts, and scrap paper in her planner… SHE RETURNED…
It’s been a while friends, and I’m so thrilled to finally be at a place where I’m not so scared to share my thoughts and musings with you. My last post was one that faced lots and lots of backlash. I was called stupid, liberal, a joke, umm… let’s see… many names that were not appropriate for the everyday human being. I had people texting me and calling me asking me what the hell was I thinking, supporting a “man who looked like a thug” and a “drug addict”. I let a lot of the comments shut that gift of writing down for awhile. Every time I went to write something, I would write it out and when I move my mouse to hit “publish”, knots would form in my stomach. I would feel my heartbeat speed up. My neck and chest would start to itch because hives were beginning to make their way to my face. My ears would turn bring red and hot. And I wouldn’t do it. I would let the fear of what others thought about me stop me from sharing. Not saying I’m all knowing or know anything worth sharing with the world, but it sucked. ABSOLUTELY SUCKED not being able to just write and not care what others thought about it. It’s been months since I’ve written anything. I forgot my password for awhile and almost threw my computer so many times. Then my computer actually crashed and stumped all the Apple geniuses in Tulsa that they had to send it away. When I got it back, I was like “Lord, if my passwords are still in there somewhere, maybe my WordPress password is too. If it’s there, I’ll write. I won’t care what people think. I’m 31 freaking years old and since when do I really need someone’s approval to share what you’ve gracefully placed in my heart?” And lo and behold… I go to log in and there it was. Not saying it’s something magical or anything, but to me, it made sense. God cares about the little things. This was what I call a “little big thing”–Not so big that it’s a HUGE EVENT, and not so small that it’s to be ignored. It’s just the right size where you can’t ignore it. When I pray about the little big things, I know God answers. Because he cares. I actually prayed for my computer. I laid hands on it and cried in bedroom because let’s be honest. I work in mental health and make decent money. But this month… YIKES. Too much was happening. I felt like I owed money left and right. I had nothing extra to spare. When I took my computer to Apple, the genius looked at me and said “it’s a great thing that you came in because your Apple care ends in two days”. That’s Jesus, Y’all. My repairs on my mysterious computer dying situation would’ve cost me $500. I walked out and was like “Jesus… thanks. I love you. Thank you for saving me that money… I don’t know how much money I’ll have at the end of the month, but it’s always more than enough”. That’s enough for me to trust him always…
A lot has happened from the last time I wrote. Here’s a little list…
- I got promoted at work. I am now a clinical supervisor in Tulsa.
- Oh, I moved. I’m no longer in OKC. I miss it so much, but love being back near my parents and sisters.
- I’ve traveled. I’ve been back and forth between Tulsa and Memphis for work, went to NYC for Christmas with my family, planning on going to Dallas in a couple weeks with some wonderful gal pals and plan on taking more vacation days in the coming weeks to recover from…
- My boss went on maternity leave and I’ve nearly died several times this summer from exhaustion. Yep. I feel like I know what Mario feels like in Super Mario cart. You know when the little car slips on a banana peel and he loses a life? And then he drives a little further down and gets a life back? That’s my life. I feel like some days I do so well have those extra lives stocked up and then there are those days where I’m slipping on every freaking banana peel and trying not to lose all my marbles. I love my boss because she took time to help me get some boundaries set and then helped me work through the “you do too much for people” syndrome I suffer from. She left for maternity leave and within two days, all that hard work was shot to hell. I’ve spent more hours in the office this summer, gone on no vacations, taken no days off (because I was told I could not if everyone else was), and done more work to make sure my team was taken care of. It’s not bad, but it’s also not great. Self care should be a higher priority for me… especially if I preach it to my team that they should take care of themselves.
- I’ve had my heartbroken. I won’t write about it all here right now in this post, but there is a deep post coming and it will probably be one of those soul bearing posts that will hopefully bring encouragement to you that not all who take chances are hopeless. It would’ve been great for this situation to have worked out, but it didn’t and I trusted this guy and because I did, I learned more about my discernment. I learned that my discernment is spot on always and when that first warning comes, I should follow it whole heartedly.
- I’ve had a birthday. I’m 31 now and it’s weird. 30 was amazing. I loved everything about being 30. I felt like I entered the best years of my life. As those last weeks of being 30 turned to days, I got kinda sad. I got to my golden birthday and around midnight, I looked up “golden birthday”. Golden birthdays are considered lucky. They are unique and once in a lifetime. (duh, that’s obvious…). I started to dig a bit deeper because I wasn’t satisfied by that. I looked up 31… the meaning of 31. Apparently, when you turn 31, you experience you’re billionth second of life. 31 is considered the year of negotiation, the year of dictating where my attention goes, and the year where I decide that I will not let my thirties pass me by (I added that last sentence). I looked at so many different blogs from girls who turned 31 within this year and they all said the same thing… 31 was the year where they decided to be fearless. Another girl said “31 was the year I knew I was going to put myself in a position to learn from others. It’s the year I decide from the beginning that I will not fight others thoughts and opinions. I will listen and converse and share what I know with others”. Another… “31 is the year of grace for me. I will gracefully allow myself the ability to not be perfect, to not fear, to not act rushed or hurried. I will allow myself space”. And probably the one I needed to see the most–“This is the year I will not make decisions based on my anxiety or fear of what if”. I’ve had a lot of “what if” moments in my life and to be honest, I’ve allowed those what ifs to take over. I let it take over my ability to write here! When the clock struck midnight and it was my birthday–I asked the Lord to give me a uniquely graced year. And so far… He has not disappointed me. This year… 2017… is going to be one for the books!
- I’m singing again. Not that I ever quit, but I stopped for awhile because I couldn’t continue to have my heart in two places-Antioch OKC and Guts Church in Tulsa. I made the choice to get planted here in Tulsa. I went to Next Steps at Guts and had an audition with the worship team a week later. I’m so glad I did. The team has quickly become a safe haven of people for me. They are encouragers and dreamers and so fun. To serve with this team is just… it’s beyond what I could’ve asked for. I’ve been apart of lots of teams, but this one at Guts is UNREAL. So thankful for them.
- I’m trying to date. KEYWORD is trying. Dating ain’t easy y’all. It’s actually the pits when all the guys want to know is if you’ll sleep with them. I feel like Ryan Gosling’s character in Crazy, Stupid, Love after I read some of these dumb messages. You know the part where he takes Steve Carrell shopping and he asks him where he got his “dad jeans” and Steve says “Oh, I don’t know. The Gap?” and Ryan looks at him in disbelief and says “Be better than the Gap”. I read some of these idiots messages and I’m like “BE BETTER THAN BUMBLE, LINDS. BE BETTER THAN THAT SH*TSHOW TINDER. BE BETTER THAN <INSERT DATING APP HERE>!” Oh, don’t worry. I’ll share the details here. 🙂
- I joined a gym. I did. I went through the brief first training and had this very nice guy tell me how out of shape I was and that I have such a long way to go to get to my goals. I’m not going to lie. I left defeated. I’m a curvy girl and I like how I look. I want to be healthy, YES, but I will not do what I did before… I will not starve myself. I will not overexert myself to be apart of the cool crowd. I will not beat myself down for needing more sleep and eating a bowl of ice cream. I will not compete with my sisters because what use is that? I will go to yoga. I will go try a class or two and probably run into people I know and you know what?! I’ll be nice and laugh and feel like a moron with them! Because that’s what you do at the gym. Try new things and risk looking cool to challenge yourself, right?!
- I wouldn’t be me without my family. I have had more moments of insanity and blubbering with my parents. I’ve cried more because the kids I’m working with wear on me. Their stories break me in more ways than one. I have felt completely depleted and there is my mom. Ready to let me just let out. There’s my dad… the first one to always hug me and then cry over me saying how proud of me he is. There’s my sister Jess, with a quick witted text finishing off with “no one else can do what you do, Linds… No one better…” There’s my sister Hailey with a prayer or something silly to make sure I’m alive and laughing. These four I am so lucky to call family keep me going… I seriously would not be the person I am without them.
So, as I’ve said before… I’m back. I have lots of stories to tell and maybe I’ll finally publish some of the posts that have been archived for ages while I was too scared to write anything. Here’s to doing things scared. 🙂