I’m at a weird place right now. Not literally. I am literally sitting on my couch, in my apartment, thinking and racking my brain about what to write about myself that will make me stand out among other potential Masters of Arts in Counseling candidates.
I know writer’s block is a real thing, but I’ve never really considered myself a writer. I’ve always under-played the fact that I could write and could write well. I’ve tried to show off my skills, but that never worked out because in some way, it would never make sense. Now, the moment I need my skills the most, they are failing me!
I keep a running list in Evernote about topics I want to write about. Some range from faith and feminism to what I’m watching on Netflix (because let’s be real, Netflix should be in every person’s life and if it’s not, you are missing out). I’m pretty sure my Netflix queue would not impress anyone on the opposite side of my email submission of my personal goal statement.
I am type-A in a lot of ways. The biggest type-A trait of mine is control. I like feeling in control. I like knowing my schedule. I like knowing that I can plan out my entire week, month, even year if needed and knowing I control that. I like knowing I can tell people “no” if and when I need to. I like knowing I am in control of how I feel. Lately, well if I’m being honest with you, since I walked across the stage at ORU, I’ve felt out of control. I’ve felt like everyone is watching my life happen but really it’s on pause. I feel like the backdrops have changed, the characters who fade in and out of my quaint and quiet little world have changed, but I’ve stayed where I am, doing what I do, in slow motion. Do you know how frustrating that is? People have walked in and out of my world and gone on to what’s next for them and I’m here, standing still.
I’ve written about this before and I know people will probably call me/text me/email me, whatever to see if I’m ok or having a mental breakdown. I’m not having a mental breakdown. It may seem like it, but I’m not. I’ve had one before and this ain’t it. But, I am at a crossroads…maybe not crossroads, because that would mean there are 2 different places I could go. I am at an intersection, sitting in my mom’s car (because my car is officially dead, dead, dead), waiting for that green light. I’m sitting at the white line staring bullets through the light that hangs from that silver pole, begging it to change so I can move forward. And yet, while there are no other cars around, no opposite traffic, not even a pedestrian to cross the street, there I sit, obediently waiting for my green light.
I know many people can identify with this feeling of waiting, or pause. It’s not fun. It’s actually quite terrible for the type-A, “I’ve got somewhere to be in 5 minutes and you’re really cramping my style, because I am only going to be on time instead of 10 minutes early” person. But if there’s anything I’ve learned from the last 3 weeks of my life, sometimes things need to be on pause so you can see what you really want and desire to get out of life. 3 weeks ago, my car died in the middle of Elm Street in Jenks. I sat and cried as I waited for my dad to pick me up. 4 days later, I would get what would be a therapeutic massage and wake up the next day with my L4 and L5 vertebrae frozen and the muscles around them, spasming until I couldn’t breathe. I would spend the next 10-12 days deep breathing through the pain, the chiropractor appointments and just crying as I kept thinking “God, seriously, what is happening right now? I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.” My bank account would have the original fraud credit reversed leaving me with minimal money to my name. And, I had to sit there and take it. I had no where to run, no one to call or talk to about how freaking frustrated I was. But the great thing about God is none of this takes him by surprise. As I was moaning and crying on my couch, praying for a spasm free moment, He was right there, brushing the hair out of my eyes and resting his healing hand on me saying “Linds, can you just take a moment and rest in the fact that I know what’s happening? That I have this all under control? Your worry is nothing compared to my peace and strength. So just…rest”.
So, while my writer’s block is killing my personal goal statement for my grad applications, take a moment and rest. Whatever your situation is, just take a breath, put down your phone and rest. It’s ok to rest. It’s ok to wait. And it’s ok to not be ok. Sometimes, feeling everything is just what we need to wake us up and move us on to the next thing on our list.