scribbles…

I read a tweet the other day from my favorite author Anne Lamott (@ANNELAMOTT). She was giving what seemed like writing advice.

“Writing 101: Leap up! Find notebook. Scribble. Wow. You don’t write to be remembered.
You won’t be. I won’t be. You write because it’s on your heart.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pondered the idea of writing something monumental, something earth-shattering that will inevitably leave a mark on my generation. The chances of that happening? Well, I’m not saying it can’t happen, but I’m a realist in this way. The chances of someone stumbling upon my blog is pretty slim to none. But, I will continue to hold onto to hope that it will happen. 🙂

Everyday life happens. You experience things you didn’t face yesterday or maybe the day before that. You face things new and bold and ready for whatever may come. Today, when I woke up, I did not expect to be voiceless and puffy-eyed yet again. I didn’t expect that. Actually, I don’t have time for that. I work all the time. I work hard because that’s in my blood. I don’t want to just let life happen. I want my life to count! I want it to mean something to someone. Right along with my wonderful, favorite author’s words comes another thought… from one boy I met in a book. He was the finest, most dreamy boy I’d ever met in a book (other than Tobias Eaton/Four from Divergent…). I am of course talking about John Green’s The Fault in Our Stars dream boat Augustus Waters. I read the book and sobbed through it. That’s besides the point. The point I’m making is Green wrote a human that I identify with because I am who I am. I identified with his drive, his thought processes, and all his desires to make his life count. Gus strives to leave a mark and impact on the people around him. He gets so focused on that that he loses sight of those directly connected to him that he has left a mark on. He got so busy living that he forgot to see the connections right in front of him.

I had a minor break in my “armor” if you will last week. I’ve graduated. I’ve finished the longest journey I’ve ever been on and felt like “Ok. Now that this is done, LET’S MOVE ON!” I thought for sure after graduation all the pieces of the puzzle that are still missing would somehow show up and find their place into the mix of pieces that kind of make up my life. That, my friends, has not happened. Nope. Not. At. All. I work will all dudes in my office. All men. Which means, there’s not a lot of room for emotions and tears and silent treatments. It’s all “Yo bro. You mad?” or “Hey, you know I’m kidding…” There’s no room for tears or “I feel…” statements! You confront and move on. Well, like Augustus Waters, I have high expectations for my life. I expect to live an extraordinary life that will change people. I expect that God is going to use me in a way I can’t understand. I expect to see all my dreams (a boyfriend, marriage, children, little league games, etc) COME TRUE dang it! I don’t think that’s a bad thing. It becomes a bad thing when you’re living for the future and not even seeing what’s happening right in front of you. I’ve been so disappointed in what I’m not seeing that I didn’t even notice the people and friends I’m impacting right in front of me. Just because I can’t see Him at work doesn’t mean He’s not working. And, also from The Fault in Our Stars, pain deserves to be felt. Life is painful. Growth is painful. But it’s usually out of that pain, God works in His great, mysterious ways and there’s something good left behind. That’s outstanding news. Don’t let the pain or anger or hurt keep you from seeing the good God is working! It’s ok to have high expectations of life. In fact, I think that’s incredible. You should look at your life and expect things to happen. But don’t let minor hiccups and painful “moments” keep you from enjoying the journey.

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