HELLO READERS! BLOGOSPHERE! HELLO WORLD!
I haven’t forgotten about you all, in fact as I’ve been working on draft after draft of final papers for school, you were the one thing that kept me moving forward. Without you even knowing it, you were my help and hope that after school is done, I’d be able to get back on track and write, write, write. It’s easy to not see past a certain point. I have personally experienced this on all levels and only until recently, have I had the chance to celebrate actually finishing a rather large milestone. As you all know, or maybe you didn’t know, I have been a full time student in a distance program at Oral Roberts University. I started this project after coming to grips with the fact that God wanted me to follow his leading and not my own. I had been floundering for a couple years, just wandering around aimlessly and trying to make a name for myself and with nothing to show for it. After struggling, I would find myself sitting on a beach in Destin, Florida with one of my favorite little girls in my lap watching the waves crash on the beach. Who knew that in that moment where I was thinking “why can’t life be like this all the time”, that God would speak to me. What He shared shocked me but not in the way that was impossible for me to understand, but in a way that I knew it was only God who could possibly be sharing this with me. That’s when my journey started. I started school and interning with my church and now, fast forward 3 years, here I am. A graduate. With a degree. A BACHELORS OF SCIENCE IN THEOLOGY!? What?! Who knew. And now, I’m finding myself faced with the very thought in the title of this little “moment” if you will…
What do you do when all you’ve known for the last 3 years is suddenly finished? What do you do when all the late nights sitting at a desk is over? What do you do when all of sudden, you have more time on your hands than you really realize? All that… that’s what I’m talking about.
I’m in ministry. I am. I am a wearer of many hats at a church that I love. I’m busy. My schedule is naturally full until about 4:30pm when I actually make it to my little home and suddenly, I’m by myself, nothing hanging on me, nothing pressuring me, nothing keeping me from doing anything… I literally have the opportunity to do anything and yet, I sit. I sit on my couch and I usually am wearing athletic attire of some sort and while I’m sitting I think, “so…what now? Do I sit here? Do I leave? If I leave, where do I go? Do I go to Yoga, which is my new obsession? or do I go running? If I go running where do I run? Why am I running? Wait… I’VE NEVER BEEN THIS PERSON WITH FREE TIME… AND I’M LOSING MY MIND!”. Welcome to my life. What I’ve just described to you is exactly where I’m at. I don’t know how to go with the flow. I don’t know what it’s like to simply sit and do nothing. I don’t know what it’s like to not have a deadline. I. DON’T. KNOW. WHAT. TO DO.
One of the many things that I think makes a person unique is their uncanny ability to let opportunities shape them into who they are to become. Some people have the option to choose living life this way and others are forced into these moments of “deer in the headlights” chaos and utter panic. I was a mixture of both. I made a choice to follow God and yet, felt like this was what I was supposed to do. It felt a little forced. It felt like if I went in another direction, I would find myself wandering even more and after years of doing that, I was done wandering. I am not saying God forced me into this path I’m on, no, no, NO. But, I did feel the continual nudge this direction and with that came the “deer in the headlights”, “what on earth am I doing?” panic. I don’t normally panic. I’m the type that puts out fires, not start them. I’ve tried to be the center of attention and that never worked out well. I am normally calm, slightly cool (but not really), and pretty collected. I am a control freak who likes knowing my schedule and likes having plans. Plans are good! Plans help me map out my days. Plans help PUSH ME FORWARD WHEN NOTHING IS ENDING UP RIGHT. Plans are genius. Plans are something little I have control over in the grand scheme of life, in which I have no control and am at the liberty of a very loving God. But what happens when the plans you’ve counted on to keep you home are over? My plans that I’ve had for the last 3 years are done. And I am suddenly finding myself breathing harder at the idea of nothing. Nothing scares me. I’m a twenty-something who can finally be a twenty-something and I don’t even have any ideas what normal twenty-somethings do! I guess this is my way of sharing a piece of my heart that I don’t normally let out very often. I don’t normally share what exactly is going on in my head. I’m a very guarded person and I don’t share what I really think and feel 9 times out of 10, but this is something I am currently battling. I’m putting it out there so that maybe some of you won’t feel so alone. You’re not. You’re plans may come to an end at some point and just know that you’re not the only one who is wondering what to do now that there’s free space. 🙂
Thank you for being there for me even when I couldn’t be here for you. Now that there’s time, there’ll be more posts about random stuff. I mean, maybe I should write from random places around my town, and comment about the people I encounter. Who knows. Just be ready. Good things are ahead.